“My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.” — Mark Twain

Summer 1960, Lincoln Park, Pittsburg, Kansas. Two thirty-something mothers are watching, from a blanket where they’ve been enjoying a picnic lunch, their eleven-year-old sons scuffle on the grass.

“Sock him, Bill!”

“Punch him back, J.T.!”

“Pull his hair.”

“Grab his ear.”

The women were my two mothers: Mary Hopper, my Cub Scout den mother; and Helen, the woman who gave me life. Tired of telling us to settle down, and fully aware that we would be friends again in a short time, they decided to just cheer us on from ringside.

There’s a form of counseling, called paradoxical psychotherapy that uses the same technique. For instance, if a patient suffers from anxiety, he is instructed to try and have anxiety attacks. If he has insomnia, he’s instructed to try and stay awake all night.

It certainly worked on my friend and me. We were taken aback — and stopped sooner than we would have otherwise. Besides, we were best friends … plus it was getting close to time for the big pool to open.

I wonder, though, how well it might have worked in the long run. Here’s some paradoxical statements my mother never used on me growing up — but you mothers with young children and teenagers might want to give a try.

• "Keep whining and griping about riding your bike on your paper route long enough and I’ll gladly buy you a brand new motorcycle."
• "Get as close to the TV as you can. I’d like to see if you go blind."
• "Don't bother thanking Aunt Thelma for that graduation present. I’m sure it’s just a waste of a stamp."
• "That shirt’s a little too clean for church. Get into the hamper and put a dirty one on."
• "Your room’s really looking good. I especially like the mold growing in the milk glass."
• "It’s so nice out today. Why don’t you skip school and go fishing. I’ll sign the note to Sister Beatrice."
• "Remember, before you go to bed, turn all the lights on in the house."
• "How many times do I have to tell you?? Turn the stereo up so I can hear it back in my bedroom!"

If you decide to try this, let me know how it turns out. I’m always looking for new forms of behavior change to pass along.

Regular readers of this column are well aware that I’m a lover of quotes. Tomorrow being Mothers Day, I decided to look around for some that about motherhood and family.

“We never know the love of the parent until we become parents ourselves.” This statement, by Henry Ward Beecher, is just plain true.

“An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.” I like this Spanish proverb because it’s like a Japanese zen koan. A riddle to be pondered.

One of the most indelible memories of my mother is of her washing clothes, so this anonymous quote rings very true, “Behind every successful mother ... is a basket of dirty laundry.”

Comedian Steven Wright appeals to me because of his deadpan delivery and nonsensical one-liners, as in, "I was cesarean born. You can't really tell, although whenever I leave a house, I go out through a window."

Of course a sense of humor is likely the most valuable tool in mothering as this anonymous quote asserts, "Laughter is like changing a baby's diaper. It doesn't permanently solve any problems, but it makes things more acceptable for a while."

In closing, here’s some Mothers Day Little Johnny stories. Like all good jokes, they contain a grain of truth about mothers — at least the ones I grew up around in the Republic of Frontenac.

• No Need To Pray - The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," Little Johnny replies, "I don't have to, my mom is a good cook!"
• Summer Vacation - Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school. Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving. "Wait a minute," his mother said. "I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved."
• Science Lesson - Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time, and she asked, “My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?” Little Johnny in the front row proudly said, “You're a mother!”
• Little League Conference - Coach Jones called the young Johnny in from center field during a Little League game for a conference. "See here Johnny," said the coach, "you know the principles of good sportsmanship that the Little League practices. You also know we don't tolerate temper tantrums, shouting at the umpire, or abusive language. Do I make myself clear?" "Yes, sir," replied Johnny. "Well, then Johnny," sighed the coach, "would you please try to explain it to your mother?"

Note: This column originally appeared 5-10-09 in slightly different form.

J.T Knoll can be reached at 620-704-1309 or HYPERLINK "mailto:jtknoll@swbell.net"jtknoll@swbell.net